Mr. Salsich
English 9
27 September 2008
Peace, Outside and In:
An Essay about an Early-morning Walk
Notice that I use the formulas: 4 sentences for the opening and closing paragraphs, 11 sentences for the first body paragraph, and 8 sentences for the second body. (Actually, I left out the CS in the second body, which you should NOT do.)
1) This morning, fortunately for me, I discovered two kinds of peace. 2) On my pre-dawn hike up and down the hill in front of my apartment, I was surrounded by the silence of an autumn morning – the best kind of peacefulness that late September has to offer. 3) Also, I felt a quiet peace serenity inside myself – a feeling that absolutely everything was exactly the way it should be. 4) As my old boots walked padded up the sidewalk, my entire world seemed calm and quiet.
In the next paragraph, I took some extra time to change -- or polish -- some sentences. Try to make time to do that. It's the part of writing that I enjoy most of all.
TS The morning itself seemed utterly still. SD Yes, there was an occasional call from a distant small-town rooster, and a solitary car came by cruised past periodically, but for the most part, tranquility had taken hold of the neighborhood. CM Nothing was stirring; no voice was heard, no movement made. CM The only thing happening was an old teacher taking his daily exercise in the midst of perfect quiet. SD Strangely, the dampness of the morning seemed to contribute to the feeling of calm. CM Rainstorms have been hanging aroundstaying in town for several days now, drenching soaking us every so often, and the moisture this morning was heavy and all aroundundisturbed. CM As I walked, I wondered if the solid dampness, by smothering any signs of disturbance, somehow caused the atmosphere of peace by getting rid of any signs of disturbance.SDThe streetlamps, too, seemed to add to the atmosphere of stillness. CM Their soft golden light lingered around me like a friend as I walked up and down the hill. CM They shone with a quietness that kept all concerns and worries out of my mind. CS All I needed to do, I felt, was walk and enjoy the peace of the morning, and that’s what I did.<
The word "that" in the next sentence serves as a transition (or bridge) from the previous paragraph. It hooks up with "kept all concerns and worries out of my mind" to make a nice bridge.
TS That, perhaps, was the luckiest part for me – the fact that this peace along feeling of peace inside me. SD During these past three weeks of the start of another school year, I have found myself swept up in a confusion of duties and tasks, and it was a relief to feel, finally, some of the old peacefulness of summer again this morning. CM I felt utterly relaxed as I walked. CM I knew there were lesson plans waiting to be made and small chores waiting to be done, but somehow they stayed patiently in the back of my mind, as if they knew that this morning was just for walking, not worrying. SD I also felt a calm confidence that is unusual for me. CM I felt that I could handle whatever came my way today – a messed up task, a shortage of ideas for a lesson plan, or just a really steep hill for hiking. CM Somehow, as I trudged up the hill for the fourth time, it was clear to me that I could calmly carry any burden the world might bring my way today.
In the last paragraph, I take the reader back to the opening paragraph. The word "lucky" hooks up with the word "fortunately", thus tying the essay together nicely. (Oh, I love "combat and dismay" instead of the more boring "war and sadness".)
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